Dreams

I've never really been one to remember my dreams. I mean, sure, I'd have a nightmare that I would wake up from, or I'd have a good dream about Paul Walker that I thoroughly enjoyed... but it wasn't very often that I would wake up remembering what I had dreamt. However lately I've been remembering my dreams every morning. Its the side effect of a medication I am on (that's a whole different story for another blog post)... and so far, I am completely loving this side effect.

These dreams are SO real and always involve people in my life. Some are hilarious... like the dream I had where Kyle kicked The Situation's ass to defend my honor. And some, like last night, are sentimental.

As many of you know, I lost one of my best friend's in a car accident back in 2007. It was the worse experience of my life. Completely life changing and something I think about daily. I once heard you never heal from losing somebody, you just get better at coping with it. That is so true. I will never heal from losing Marci. She was such a huge piece of my life and I will never forget her.

Some people say that when a loved one passes away they start to forget the sound of their voice or their laugh. But thankfully, I have yet to forget Marci's laugh. I can still hear it and I often play it over and over in my head, just so I won't forget.

And last night I dreamt about her. I actually can't remember exactly the storyline of the dream, but what I do remember was that Marci was in it. And it was so real. I was able to talk to her. In my dream she was still passed away, but had just come to hang out with me for a little bit. I was able to laugh with her. And best of all, I was able to give her a hug.

This morning has been a roller coaster of emotions from this dream. It was so real. It was as if Marci was really here. And I can't get over it. Isn't it crazy that I still remember what it feels like to hug her? I hope I never lose that feeling.

As I round the corner on 30, I am starting to become very introspective. And one of the things I continually think about is how Marci doesn't get to experience all the things I am now experiencing. She had two young children, and while I have already struggled with all the things she will miss in their lives, its weird that I'm now struggling over the little things she will miss.

There are still tears. I am still broken from it. Still in pain. Just learning to cope with it in my daily life.

Inked.

Its no secret that I'm inked. I have 3 tattoos, 2 of which are visible on a summer day, and I'm now considering a 4th... that will be much bigger and much more visible.

Anyway... here is a brief rundown of my tattoos.

The butterfly:



I get it. Its a tramp stamp. But it actually means a lot to me now. It didn't at the time. It was just a flash tattoo that I picked on a whim. I was 17 and in Arizona visiting a good friend. I had always been a good kid up until that point. Never (or at least rarely) disappointing my parents. I didn't drink and I didn't smoke. I went to church and I didn't sneak out of the house. So I wanted to do something rebellious. And getting a tattoo was what I decided on.

It didn't mean anything to me when I got it. It didn't symbolize anything. It was just a tattoo. I grew to kind of hate the tattoo. It was cheesy and small. So one year later (when I was legally able to get a tattoo), the same friend took me to another tattoo shop to get it redone. This time she paid, as my Christmas gift. The tattoo still didn't mean anything to me. But at least I liked it now.

That was 11 years ago... and since then, my friend has passed away and I will always cherish my butterfly tattoo as a symbol of our friendship. It has become an unplanned memorial tattoo.


Ruth 1:16: (backwards due to Photobooth flipping images.)

This tattoo is the verse from my wedding vows to Kyle. We also repeated the same wedding vows as my parents, so this verse has a double meaning. It is about my commitment to my marriage and in honor of my parents marriage.



My camera:

This is my current camera. Its not the first camera I started shooting with and its definitely not the last... but its the one that I grew my business with and where I really honed my style as a photographer. It means something to me and it always will. Even when I outgrow this camera and buy something different.



So that brings me to today...

Everybody says tattoos are addicting. And I would definitely agree. But its definitely not the pain that is addicting. Its the love of a beautiful piece of work. And I have to admit, I am really nervous over deciding on this next tattoo. I'm considering a shoulder/upper arm tattoo. One that clearly will make more of a statement than my others.

I know I will have to justfify the next tattoo to people, even though I technically shouldn't have too. But I feel like I need too. So far all three have meant something to me. But this next one I want to get because its pretty and I like pretty things. And I honestly don't know how to justify a tattoo that I can only explain by saying "I got it because its pretty."

Here is my current inspiration for my possible next tattoo:

I came across these as I was searching for ideas of art nouveau tattoos. I love art nouveau and I think it tattoos beautifully. I ended up finding an amazing peacock that I loved, but thought it was too "heavy" to tattoo on my shoulder and keep it feminine. So then I started to google search peacock art... and found these. I love the negative space in the tail feathers... and I love that its dainty. As dainty as a shoulder/arm tattoo can possibly be.

So now comes the decision making. Luckily my tattoo artist is pretty booked out. So even if I set an appointment, I will have a couple months to decide and save. But I think I'm going to wait even longer than his furthest booking. I turn 30 at the end of April and I think I'm going to book it for a few weeks before. If I get this, it will basically be my birthday present. And I figure 5-ish months is a long enough time to really decide if I want it.

So that's it. What are your thoughts on visible tattoos. Do you think every tattoo needs to MEAN something?

Thirty, Flirty & Thriving...

Please tell me I'm not the only one who saw 13 Going on 30?! Well, its pretty much an awesome movie. And now that I'm rounding the corner on 30, I've started to realize that there are some things I need to work on as I approach this benchmark age.

Its really weird saying I'm almost 30. I don't feel old enough to be 30. I feel like I should still be saying I'm turning 27 or 28. Sure, they are just a few years apart from 30, but they FEEL so much different!

Over the last few years, I've always said I've had no problem turning 30. I thought "age is just a number" and who cares if you're in your twenty's or not. So when my husband turned 30 a couple years ago, I just didn't give him any sympathy when he expressed his woes over being "old." But now that is my turn, I get it. I get what its like to see a decade come to an end. And its... weird. For lack of a better word.

So that brings me to this blog. I'm not much of a journal writer, but some how I like blogging. And I felt like I should document what its like to turn 30. There are things I want to change about my life as I count down these final months of my 20's. So here is a little list I've started. Some of these items I want to accomplish before April 25th rolls around... and some of these are just things I feel like I should be doing now that I'm almost 30.

1. Because OK with my body. Right now I'm not ok with it. After having a child 18 months ago, I didn't do ANY work to drop the baby weight. I gained 60 pounds in those 9 months. And after my kiddo came, I just let my body naturally take the weight off. No working out and no eating right. As a result, I've held onto about 15-20 pounds (depending on how many nachos I've had that week). I've gone on crash diets (low carb) and lost 10 pounds... only to gain them back (and a few more) once the diet was over. I just want to make a commitment to start eating right and working out. I don't want to make a commitment to losing X amount of pounds. Because then it becomes all about the number. I just wanted to be at the weight my body is supposed to be at when I TRY to be healthy, with out depriving myself of a few indulgences every once in a while.

2. Identify with my home. My husband and I have style... but have never been able to follow through with that style when it comes to our house. So recently we've started a downstairs transformation... but its slow moving. Mostly because we can't go out and buy all new furniture right now. But over the course of the next year our goal is to completely transform our downstairs. I've been documenting the first stages of it here: Color My House Rad. Not sure if I'm going to bring that over into this blog... or just keep the house redecorating on my Tumbler. We'll see...

3. Make changes in my marriage. Nothing drastic, but mostly just making more time for us as a couple. We have an unfortunate situation when it comes to weekend childcare. We have none. Which means we rarely can take a night just to ourselves, or a night with our friends that doesn't involved leaving before 8pm because its past our kiddo's bedtime. So, I want to start working on finding a babysitter that we trust so the hubs and I can go on date nights.

So that's basically it. This list may grow but right now these are the 3 things that I am wanting to get in order. Some may seem trivial, like redecorating our house, but if you think about it, the house is where we spend so much of our time! And I just wanted to identify with it. And right now I don't.

And as for where this blog is going. I'm not sure. I don't know how often I'll blog... and I really don't want it turn into a "diet blog." But I'm not going to put any pressure on myself otherwise. So you'll probably just want to add it to your reader... instead of checking in every day or so. ;-)